This is a quote from Chasm of Fire by Irina Tweedie where she explains the reality of the mystic path and the return to God. In truth, you never left and as she says, every thought, every act, every word, is His. If you’re on this path then be careful what you wish for – a “life of fire” is what awaits:
“Since I have been here in Kausani, from the beginning when the states of consciousness began to change considerably, I felt that I was nearing the end of the road. I mean the end of the road to the Real Home. There is nothing else to do. He takes over. When the devotee becomes His, everything ends there. Yes, I am only at the beginning of this state; there will be many ups and downs. But this is really the beginning of the end. This feeling of belonging to Him, every breath, every pore of the body, every thought, every little cell – it is wonderful! There is such security in it, such tenderness; and yet it is Nothingness itself. Like a perfume rising from the innermost sweetness is this still joy…
“The realisation that every act, every word, every thought of ours not only influences our environment but mysteriously forms an integral part of the Universe, fits into it as if by necessity, in the very moment we do or say or think it, is an overwhelming and even shattering experience.
“If we only knew deeply, absolutely, that our smallest act, our smallest thought, has such far-reaching effects; setting forces in motion; reaching out to the galaxy; how carefully we would act and speak and think. How precious life would become in its integral oneness.
“It is wonderful and frightening. The responsibility is terrifying and fascinating in its depth and completeness, containing as it does the perplexing insecurity of being unique and the profound consolation of forming part of the Eternal Undivided Whole. And we all have the right to, and can achieve, the realisation of this wonderful meaning of life; one is quite simply part of it all; a single vision of Wholeness.
“Very acute it became after Guruji’s passing away. And I could not reconcile the torment of the heat, the mangy dogs, the filthy children, the sweat, the smells; for they were THAT too…
“But it was here, in the stillness of the mountains, that it gradually crystallised; distilled itself from a different dimension into the waking consciousness. And now I must live with the Glory and the Terror of it… It is merciless, inescapable; an intensely virile, intoxicating Presence, so utterly joyous, boundless and free. It is blasphemy to attempt to put it into words.
“I know that the states of Nearness will increase, will become more permanent; but also the state of separation will become more painful, more lonely, the nearer one comes to Reality.
“I know that I go back to a life of fire; for you, dear Guruji, told me what to expect. I know that sometimes my health will fail, and that I shall be burned. But I know also that I can never be alone any more, for you are with me always. I know that God is Silence, and can be reached only in silence; the Nearness to Thee will remain and give me the strength to go on.
“Goodbye days of peace; and days of wrestling with myself. Days of incredible beauty with Nature at its best; days of glorious states of consciousness, wherein the divine heart within myself was the Divine Heart within the cosmos. When I knew the meaning of Oneness because I lived it. You did not deceive me, Guruji. You pointed out the Way, and now the Way has taken hold of me…fully… irrevocably.”
From Chasm of Fire